Roller Coaster

Yesterday was my last day with ECI.

This whole past year has been one huge roller coaster of emotions. We've had ups and downs, twists and turns......pretty much the equivalent of the Texas Cyclone. (I miss AstroWorld!) Our families went through some tough times while I was pregnant that involved miscarriages, sickness and death. Through it all this precious little one helped me through, even if she was in my belly.

Then she arrived. The most perfect and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was hearty and healthy, yet our hospital stay wasn't anything like I imagined it would be. Sometimes I feel like nobody understands, but I still have a hard time looking at pictures and thinking of her first few days of life without crying. Then I feel silly when I think of my sisters and hear other peoples stories of losing their babies or even struggling to conceive because by no means was it a "bad" experience for us. It just wasn't what I had prepared for and dreamed about and one day when I have closure I will write her birth story. The most important thing is that she is healthy and happy.

Since I've become a mom all those things that my mom has told me about loving your child and the feelings you have for them, yeah. I get it now. Which is why it was SO hard for me to come to terms with going back to work. I had no idea that it would be so hard. When I'm with her and I see her smile, my world is just perfect and nothing else matters. I spent many a night crying about it and trying to figure something out. Short of winning the lottery or begging celebrities for money, it wasn't possible at this time. But more than anything I prayed. I prayed for peace and guidance. And patience. I knew He had a plan and that He would provide. And what do you know? He gave me peace. I came to terms with going to work and He made me realize that I actually had THE PERFECT job for a new mommy. Emma would be at a great daycare and I would still get plenty of time with her because of my wonderful, flexible job. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was excited to become a working mom who would enjoy the best of both worlds!

Oh, but that was just the top of the biggest drop on the roller coaster. You know, just when you feel comfortable enough to put your hands in the air and let your head fall back to the sky.

The week before I was to start back I found out I was being layed off. I can't say that I didn't pray for it to happen, just not so soon. I really didn't think I would be as upset as I was. For all the complaining I'd done about work and constant state changes, I truly loved my job. Since my caseload had been dispersed while I was on leave, I didn't get my families back since I only worked for a month and a half. I'm sad about not getting to say goodbye to special families. And also sad to say goodbye to ones that I've been with since the beginning.

This past month and a half I've been completely torn between following my heart or my head. My heart telling me that this is what I wanted. But my head telling me that I was scared and needed to work. And it wasn't fair to Tray.

Just for fun the roller coaster took some extra dips with Emma starting daycare......and actually adjusting really well. Oh, and Boomer being in the hospital for 2 days and more family sickness and surgeries. This past week has been tough in more ways than one and I've felt like I'm down to my last thread.

Through it all I can't let myself ignore my renewed faith and the ways my prayers have been answered. I'll be able to collect unemployment and I've had an interview. I still don't know the outcome of that, but it's been 2 weeks. I'm not going to stop applying, but I know I already have a new boss.





Doesn't she look tough?



Although, rumor has it she's got a sweet side too.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm still scared. What if I do get that job, or find another one in a month? All I've wanted was to stay home with her. But I also want so badly to provide everything I can for her and our families. I know we're going to struggle and I hate to see Tray working so hard and coming home so tired. But I feel like the roller coaster is slowing down. Today, my first day on the new job, I feel peaceful. Peace that we're all right where we need to be and that He will continue to provide for us. This next year holds many a great things. Birthdays, first holidays for our little chunky monkey, a wedding and hopefully new babies. I can see the sun shining and the rain falling. And I'm pretty sure I see a new boat to take us off this roller coaster and on to good fishing.